I'm a day late on my medicine because I had a difficult time organizing and performing the steps required to get it refilled at my pharmacy. This is in part because I was unsure of what steps I did or did not need to take, and purposefully did not exhaust all possible options because what was probably the best (fastest, most direct) method of gaining this information involved speaking to a person on the phone, and I could not make myself do this. The reason I could not bring myself to do this task was because I did not have the motivation to get myself to figure out what I wanted to ask and how to ask it. Perhaps a simple, "I'd like to get a refill on my medication," would have been enough. Yes, in hindsight, this would have sufficed, I'm sure. But my mind was not clear at the time, because the stressor (getting my medicine refilled) was still in front of me, and this made it difficult to sit and think on the matter for very long. It feels like the mental equivalent of holding a book over your head and running through the rain, rushing to cover. I'm just trying to get to my next destination as soon as possible, facing as little discomfort as possible. Too much discomfort at once and I will fall apart, please just be over soon.
I often feel like I have nothing to say. Or rather, nothing worth saying. I have plenty to say all of the time, except for when asked, at which point it feels as if everything I've ever thought to say, or thought at all, falls out of my head. Turns to liquid and swirls down the drain at record speed. Sometimes I will go to type something out to post on a social media page, try to start the post, and give up. Sometimes I write a whole something out, then close the page without posting. These posts can be silly, but more often than not they are things I'd really like to say, to someone, in hopes of... connection, validation, just being heard?
For my Neocities, I have been lacking inspiration. There just isn't anything I've been wanting to add to my site, even with a whole list of page ideas. I've been in the mood to make pages, I just can't think of anything that I want to do that I believe would be worthwhile. Sometimes I want to write something out, to put here, on my writings page, but nothing comes to mind. Everything is either too small, or too personal or otherwise scary to share somewhere like this.
Is anyone else sick of YouTube lately? It feels like there's nothing good there anymore. I know this can't be true, as there are so many more people posting things every day. There are channels that I love that just don't post often... Surely there are more channels like them that I just haven't found yet. I'm sick of YouTube... I get bored and frustrated with it so easily. It feels like there's nothing for me there, at least not in abundance like it perhaps once was.
I feel sick of everything, maybe. There's just this general lack of substance everywhere, it feels. There's about two things in my life that I'm not sick of: my partner and school. It's quite incredible that school is something I care about now. "Care about" in the sense that I feel positive emotions about it and want to continue because I have a goal I am excited to strive toward, rather than "care about" in the sense that I feel obligated to perform despite misery. Earlier this semester I decided that I care more about my relationship than academia. This is still true.
I need to keep taking care of myself. I need fulfillment. I think I need connection, more connection. I'm bored. I want to go outside, I want to play in the dirt, I want to draw and sculpt and make things. So many things bring me stress or make me anxious. I go to the park now sometimes, but my jaw will hurt from I clench it, and my back will hurt from how I hunch over while sitting. I get scared driving sometimes, because I will feel so anxious I worry that I will be unable to focus while driving. I get so nervous talking to people. I want the conversations to last longer, but I also want to run away and never speak to anyone again.
I will talk about this in therapy.